And a few days later, it was over...

It's been about 5 days since Panda was put to sleep.

This was the hardest ever. The other animals I've had to make this choice for were older, fading, "tired" of it. Panda was still so strong, but could no longer eat. A couple of the last times she tried, her teeth began just falling out. She would mutter in pain despite having pain patches on her sides, but she still wanted to cuddle and purr.

The sedative usually given before the final injection made her feel sick, which was upsetting. She didn't want to make a mess, so she ran to her litter box to throw up - a good girl right to the last. She was such a clean cat all the time. A black-and-white moggy, her white parts were always absolutely glowing, never dirty. I tried to help her groom her last few days when she couldn't, as she kept drooling as the condition of her mouth deteriorated.

Panda's passing adds a third tiny urn to a collection I'm increasingly at a loss for something to do with. I'm not usually sentimental about mortal remains - I don't visit graves of the departed, cremation seems sensible, but it just seems a bit too callous to say "make them disappear", so I have Lenny's, Lucy's, and soon Panda's ashes to tuck away somewhere.

Something that freaks others out, but seems appealing to me, is the LifeGem memorials - turning the carbon of remains into diamonds. It's so expensive though, it would be $10,000 or more to have one small stone for each of them. But the stones turn out blue or yellow - like Siamese blue eyes, and like Panda's bright yellow eyes. I guess I'll just keep my little urn collection until I'm stupidly rich, or can let them go, scattering them somewhere appealing if I ever find that place.

Good bye, sweet Toesey-girl. It seems like too short a time you were here.